A few years ago, my parents sent me a box of “stuff” that had been collecting dust in their basement. Scattered among my high school projects and papers, photos, and mementoes were various journals, all filled with anxieties and fears of my young adult life.

On the surface, I was a Straight A student athlete who went on to study at Princeton, but underneath that facade lurked a raging case of self-loathing. My heart aches for my younger self, who titled a journal entry in 1987, my first year of high school, “Fatness and Self-Hate.” During those formative years, I fed and swallowed heaping doses of vitriolic self talk and was consumed by doubt, despite appearing to the outside world like I had my s**t together.

Today, I try to wrap my younger self in the acceptance and kindness she yearned for, and to help her absorb the positive affirmations of friends, family, teachers, and coaches, all of which she deflected because she refused to believe those things about herself.

Thirty years ago, we weren’t supposed to talk about our feelings, we were just supposed to suck it up and stick things out. Our teen angst was mainly suffered in silence, in our bedrooms where no one could see us cry, scream, or shout into our pillows.

Today, our kids have even fewer escape valves for managing the ups and downs of daily life. We are barraged 24/7 with the “shoulds” and “woulds,” FOMO, and the “not enough” messages embedded around us and especially in social media - it’s hard to carve out space or time to get quiet, to breathe deeply, and to allow ourselves space to simply be as we are. As adults, this is hard enough to navigate, so imagine how challenging this must be for our kids!

In seeking connection with our children and others, we overlook the most powerful tools of kinship - shared experiences and vulnerabilities. We can’t ever expect to receive the trust and communication we seek with our kids if we talk at them.

We can’t honestly expect our kids to listen to us when we hold them to higher standards than we hold ourselves.

Have you held up the left turn lane onto Sepulveda because you were scrolling on your phone? Have you ever said, done, texted, emailed, posted something you have regretted? Can you admit to experiencing FOMO? Have you shared your own struggles with mental health or anxiety? What was it like for you when you experienced a breakup, a loss, a rejection?

The point is, we’re all human. And our kids won’t open up to us about their fears and struggles until they believe that we are too.

Over the years, as a parent, coach, yoga and meditation teacher, I’ve learned that all we want and need when we’re young, old, and in between, is to be seen, heard, and valued.

Building connection is about creating a shelter constructed from love and acceptance, not fear and judgment. With these building blocks in mind, you can build an emotional space where your kids feel safe to share and let down their emotional guard:

1. SEE THEM. Accept them exactly as they are at this moment.

Every person deserves to be seen, to feel understood, and to believe that they have value. I have spent many years as an AYSO and club soccer coach, and I’ve learned there is not a “one size fits all” in coaching. You can’t have eleven goalies or goal scorers on the field, and one person’s skills should never be pitted against another. Any successful coach recognizes that each player possesses unique skills and abilities that, when put in the right position, contributes to the overall success of that team. The same is true for parenting.

Acknowledge and celebrate the unique talents and abilities of your children. Even on their worst days, when they come home from school upset because they weren’t invited to an after school hangout or party, failed a test, didn’t make the team, or made a mistake they regret. Just be there for them.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” you say, instead of dismissing their feelings and telling them it’s not a big deal, what were they thinking, they’re overreacting, or they should just suck it up and forget about it.

“I believe in you no matter what. I know you will get through this.” These are words that penetrate to the core and empower the recipient.

Empathy and belief allow you to “see” your child for who they are. Seeing them as they are is the first building block to connection.

2. NURTURE THEM. Create a safe space for them to process their feelings without judgment.

When I was completing my 500 hour yoga teaching certification, much of our time was spent on learning how to give physical adjustments in a safe and non-confrontational manner. Injuries result when yoga teachers force their students deeper into a pose without reading their bodies and navigating their limitations. If your hands and heart are not leading with love, your students feel that and reject the adjustment; they will tense up and resist your energy.

You can’t force your way in to anyone’s physical, mental, or emotional space. Especially with kids. You have to practice patience.

Observe. Wait. Wait some more. And you’ll know when you’ve been let in, when the gaps in conversation diminish and their words and emotions fill the space between you.

When holding this space for them, you must be willing to acknowledge their pain, grief, and loss, and just be there for them. Even when and especially when it’s a dark, hard place. As a parent, this is extra challenging, because it hurts to see our kids hurt. We want to make them feel better as fast as we can. We want to fix things, we want to get them out of their pain, we want to get ourselves out of their pain. The older I get, the more I understand that this part never gets any easier nor any less painful, and I recognize that I will always struggle with this.

But stay. Let them process. Listen. Hold them. Listen more. Stay. Hold them. Continue to listen.

Just allow them to be.

Knowing that you have created a space for them to process their feelings ensures their trust in you.

Nurturing them and making them feel safe is the second building block for deep connection.

3. FORGIVE THEM. Grant them the freedom to be human.

In practicing meditation and mindfulness, you learn that digression from the path is a natural, undeniable part of the process. It’s what you do when you catch yourself in that moment of diversion - oops, I think my mind has wandered elsewhere - without judgment, you return to your practice and begin again. Because you can always begin again.

We all need reminders that getting lost, falling down, making mistakes, choosing poorly is a part of the human experience. Compassion and forgiveness return us to the course we’ve charted.

In teaching mindfulness to teens, I frequently read the following story to remind us that human nature is a constant shift in our states of being and emotions.

There is a Cherokee legend about an elderly brave who tells his grandson about life.

“Son,” he says, “Within all of us there is a battle of two wolves. One is evil. He is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

“The same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too,” explained the wise Cherokee elder.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Simply put, we are imperfectly perfect, and perfectly imperfect. No one gets it right all the time. Not us, and especially not our kids. We need to stop holding them up to standards of perfection that even we can’t meet. So how can they?

Your kids need to know that you support them. Forgiveness liberates them from judgment and frees them to connect with you.

This is the third building block for connection and trust.

The shelter you build for your children must withstand the highs and lows, the ups and downs of growing up. As their parents, you are their safe harbor in any storm. You are their lighthouse on the shore. You are their pillar of strength when they lean on you. You are the ones who welcome them home when they’ve had a bad day.

See them, nurture them, forgive them.

To my younger self, I see you. I love you. I forgive you.

To everyone out there who has suffered or is suffering, I see you, I’m here for you, I forgive you.

May we all be each other’s shelters of trust and compassion.