Reducing Bullying and Hateful Language: Insight from the Trenches
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When we are at our best, we are a community in which all of our youth feel loved and supported by their peers, neighbors, teachers and family. We are, more often than not, a community that can lift each other up and support each other through the hardest times. Of course, there is also a darker side that we must admit exists. In my role as the Director of the Juvenile Diversion Project, I have seen our youth push each other down with hateful and disparaging comments, both online and in person. The mental health impact on the targeted individual, and honestly, on all involved can not be overstated. For the parents whose children have been on either side of the equation, the bullied or the bully, know your child is not alone and that there are ways to restore wellbeing and a sense of resilience and safety to the targeted individual and witness, and to bring the wrongdoer back on a positive path.
Hateful language comes in many shapes and sizes, and many forms, somewhat like the people it is designed to hurt. From classic hate rhetoric to body shaming, no aspect of personhood or belief is exempt from hateful language. Even in the most inclusive communities, hurtful epithets can be carelessly tossed about by kids of all ages, at parks, at playgrounds, at community plazas, and at school. Sometimes these comments are intentionally hurtful, but I have found they are often thought to be funny or used without thinking in retaliation at assumed slights.
Unfortunately, the role of social media platforms in promoting hate and hateful speech cannot be underestimated. Unsuspecting juveniles not looking for hate websites have fallen prey to the algorithms that pass them from an innocent website to increasingly malignant ones. How does this occur? Let’s first understand the complicated pattern of algorithms as a system of calculations that direct the viewer from one site to the next site based on what has loosely piqued the viewer’s interests in the previous site. For example, dieting for teens websites can be followed by links to extreme dieting websites. In the context of hateful language, one recent example of the darkness began as a platform for a popular musician. As he became openly antisemitic, his platform sent links to ever more extreme neo-Nazi and hate websites. Farfetched? Not at all. The effect on impressionable kids can be palpable. More than one local juvenile has fallen prey to this vitriol from these sites. Kids do not seek out these sites, these sites seek out kids.
It’s important to keep all of these facts in mind and come from a place of empathy as we strive to restore well-being for all involved:
Kids who are targeted: The kid who is called names, feeling unsafe or just plain stunned, might laugh or remain silent, hiding their pain, embarrassment, and anger. Reactions and coping strategies vary. But there is one thing that doesn’t change: the hate-filled names are never about the one being targeted. There is no validity, and it in no way reflects value or anything of substance. It is an attack, and it is always about the one doing the attacking. Even so, hateful language can wreak havoc on self-worth, and when an attack against a young person is unexpected, the slurs can sting and disconcert even more. Sometimes these words come as a surprise. Sometimes it is not so surprising. Even in school communities that stress inclusion and kindness, these episodes can topple the collective sense of safety. Some kids have been singled out for name calling for quite a while. Either way, isolation and trauma and fear and worse can ensue. It is not always easy to stand up for oneself. Even with the most resilient teen, hateful words can be a body blow. But genuine apologies and amends done in an approach approved by the target of the speech can empower and promote healing.
Kids who witness the incident: Kids who witness a hateful exchange are often unsure how to react so they may say nothing, letting the hate linger in the silence. But bravery is contagious. What witnesses do or do not do can have a huge impact. Even the kids who are repelled by hateful action or words often remain silent due to the contrary need to belong and have a place at the table. Sometimes witnesses try to fire back with other hateful comments against the wrongdoer to even the score. The urge to protect is understandable, but participating in the same behavior is just plain wrong. Instead, I believe even the smallest steps can defuse a situation and prevent further hurt. Let your child know that If it is too much to openly confront the wrongdoer, and call over a supervisor or teacher, it can be great comfort to turn directly to the targeted kid, offer support, and pay no attention to the wrongdoer at all. If that is still too much, it is still extremely helpful for your child to confidentially let a staff member know what happened. Each time a witness takes supportive action, it builds communal courage to continue standing up for what is right and kind. These are heroic acts.
The kids who disparage: If no one intervenes, the offender may easily assume that all is well, and no offense taken, or that the intended offense was successful, empowering them to move on without a second thought. But when addressed and restorative solutions are used, one can tackle the root sources of the hateful language and put an end to it. At first, the wrongdoers rarely understand the profound injury that offensive words inflict. Some feel bad about themselves, some want to fit in, some find it daring to use such language. Some kids who do not have a hateful bone in their body say hateful things from sheer impulsiveness. But such behavior need not continue. I have rarely met with youth who were not eventually willing to work diligently on understanding motivations, sharpening empathy, and embracing societal and historical awareness. With this understanding and insight, hateful episodes are rarely repeated.
The school community: Our schools work diligently to provide learning communities imbued with a sense of well-being and a positive attitude. Hateful incidences can upset the balance; the impact can ripple throughout the student body. Rumors run wild, social media posts and videos may pop up, sides are taken. Schools know all too well that individual hurts can affect schoolwork, spirit, strength, and unity throughout the community.
By working with all those affected, transformational change and amends can result. Transformative growth does not stem from shame. Rather, dialogue, remorse, realization of the seriousness of the transgression, and the possibility of forgiveness by the individual and community are mighty incentives. I have noticed the positive impact on the kids I have worked with in juvenile diversion. In the end, wrongdoers, who once called names can incorporate the lessons learned and evolve into advocates for kindness and humanity. Human nature being what it is, attacks will never stop altogether; but healing and insight and justice are attainable on individual and community levels.
Joan Stein Jenkins, Esq., Director Juvenile Diversion Program
About Joan: She is an attorney and a mediator with extensive experience in juvenile and family program design, counter-recidivism, and restorative justice. As a prosecutor, she has worked with the cities of Manhattan Beach, Gardena, Redondo Beach, Torrance, South Pasadena, and Los Angeles, focusing on gaining compliance and working with Community Oriented Police Teams. She established the unique Juvenile Diversion Project, which has successfully rehabilitated hundreds of young offenders.
