Grateful For My Happy, Sober Life, by Marie Puterbaugh
/Be honest -what do you think of me when I tell you I am alcoholic? Do you picture me sloshed at 10:00 am? In a dirty bathrobe? Being handcuffed for a DUI? Shrieking and slurring at my family? Do you think I am unemployable? Slovenly, watching TV all day?
I used to think that too, an alcoholic was an insult, a mess. I couldn’t be an alcoholic, I have a steady job as a CFA ® (essentially the bar exam in investment management) and a CFP ® (just to show off). I have a wonderful career in a male dominated industry, I’m married, I volunteer. In fact, I ran the “Morning Milers” at Madison Elementary for 5 years! There was no way I could be an alcoholic, nor would I ever become one, I just loved drinking too much.
I didn’t even start drinking until later in life, just beer and wine, generally after 5:00PM. One glass of wine slowly became two but hey, red wine is antioxidant! Maybe the occasional afternoon beer at CPK, or the martini at dinner. Just normal, daily, South Bay, Blue Zones drinking.
About 10 years ago a strange thing happened. On my morning run (an alcoholic wouldn’t get up by 5:00 am to run, right?!) I started to think about my red wine. A lot. Like “Is it five o’clock yet?” I would walk by restaurants mid-day and look at the drinks like they were Bradley Cooper – so attractive! Like the GNR song Mr. Brownstone, “I used to do a little, but a little wouldn’t do it, so the little became more and more.” Somehow one glass of wine became two, and weekend drinking became daily drinking. Sure, I could take a night off without DTs (see -not an alcoholic!), but I really didn’t want to, so I became a “wine at 5:00” person.
Around my early 40s alcohol started to really not agree with me. After 2 glasses of red, okay maybe 2.5, I would fall asleep 8:00ish watching Modern Family. At around 11:00 pm my pancreas and liver would revolt until about 2:00 am. I woke up at 5:00 for my “alcoholics don’t run” daily run feeling terrible.
I talked to my Stanford educated UCLA doctor, basically saying “Hey doc, I drink almost every night, and I don’t like to miss it. My dad died of alcoholism, do you think I have problem?” After she asked me how much I drank, I said two glasses a night she said “I’m going to assume you drink more.” OUCH! The truth does hurt. But, I looked fine, so I was told to try to “just” drink on weekends.
I read about AA in The Power of Habit. The book admits alcohol is more than a habit, but noted the meetings provide a reward that can substitute for alcohol. So, in August 2015 when my husband left to pick up some takeout and came back 15 minutes later and said, “Whoa, what happened to the bottle of wine?” it was time. The next day I went to my first AA meeting.
I wanted to be a fly on the wall (typical for a newcomer) and just listened. I would have escaped, but we AAs are everywhere. I quickly found out I had not one, but two, sober ex-coworkers. I told one my goal was to “just” drink on weekends, which we all know starts on Thursday. My plan was to attend AA meetings M-W and drink Th-Sun. His response was a text saying “It kinda doesn’t work if you keep drinking.” I shed a few tears, finally eked out “Marie, Alcoholic” and so it began. At a Friday meeting I asked how do “you people” do it? I hadn’t gone a Friday night without drinking in decades. I was told by an old timer, “It’s not like we sit around on our hands not drinking, we have fun!” I went to the Green Temple, saw two people from the meeting (I am telling you, we are everywhere!) and learned how to live life without drinking.
In the song Landslide, there is a line “I was afraid of changing because I built my life around you.” Yup, me and red wine. But guess what? There are actually a bunch of really fun, interesting people that don’t need to drink to have fun. Like anything, it is super weird at first, but once you get used to it, it is easy. It took about 18 months to find a groove, but now I don’t even think about drinking 99% of the time. Occasionally a glass of wine looks good, but I remember the hangover and get what we call the “recoil” and just don’t drink, no matter what.
In LA, being sober is super cool. Like actor/singer/athlete/lawyer/doctor/CEO cool. There is a line in a Robert Altman movie where an agent attends AA meetings. Somebody asks him if he is an alcoholic and he basically says, “No, this is where I get clients.” Sober superstars include, but are not limited to, Steven King, Chrissy Teigen, Common, Elton John (Rocketman is a great movie about the program), Tyra Banks, Rob Lowe, Robert Downey Jr. – the list goes on. I love my sober life. I am present, less anxious, have skills to handle stress and I try to be helpful and kind. I have modeled how to have fun without getting altered to my kids who, to my knowledge, haven’t altered themselves yet. My husband and I don’t have fights that scare the kids, we are really happy (he stopped as well, but isn’t in “the program”).
While anonymity is important, I wear mine like a loose shirt. We respect others anonymity completely, we never purposely out anybody who comes into the rooms, we take that very seriously. It can accidentally happen, but it is rare. I don’t automatically identify as an alcoholic when I first meet people (that would be weird), but if I get close to somebody I let them know. Of course, there is a risk that I get what we AAs call the “F-its” and drink, but life is risk, so I let the ones I love know.
Some fun facts about sober people. First, you can drink around us, we won’t start foaming at the mouth. We generally don’t judge you if you drink (if you get repeatedly sloshed, we reserve the right to “save you a seat”). We’re not vegans who lecture on the evils of imbibing. I host parties where I serve alcohol, I’ve carried drinks to friends. In fact, it will hurt my feelings more if you want to drink and don’t drink around me, it makes me feel weird.
It is easier to say I am “sober’ versus an “alcoholic” although I wish there was another word sometimes. Yes, sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t say anything, I am scared I will be judged, gossiped about, looked down on. But my experience is 9.5 out of ten people are completely wonderful, if not sober themselves. No stigma, no judgement, unless you’re a jerk, but if that is the case, I don’t care what you think anyway. If somebody did try to use it against, I bet it would make them look bad, not me. People are generally kind and understanding, and like the bumper sticker says, mean people suck.
We are a program of attraction, not promotion. I know addiction is insidious, my father died of alcoholism. In a way, having a parent who succumbed to the disease was a blessing, as I didn’t want to put my family through the same thing. I can relate to being afraid to get help, fearing the optics of being an “alcoholic” could ruin everything. I was scared too, but I am so glad I did get help. My first born just turned 18, and I can’t imagine missing all the happy, sober hours with her, her sister and my husband. AA worked for me, and I just share my experience, strength and hope to help another who may be suffering.
