I adore the song “Mother Knows Best” from Disney’s Tangled. If you’re not familiar with the movie, it opens with almost 18-year-old Rapunzel, who desperately wants to leave the tower she’s been confined to her whole life by her “mother” who’s really an evil witch. Rapunzel is craving a bigger life. Her Mother sings:

You know why we stay up in this tower

That's right, to keep you safe and sound, dear

Guess I always knew this day was coming

Knew that soon you'd want to leave the nest

Soon, but not yet

Mother knows best, listen to your mother

It's a scary world out there

Mother knows best, one way or another

Something will go wrong, I swear

I think as parents we inadvertently fall into this trap; believing we know best and unwittingly holding our kids back. Although, thankfully, we’re not evil witches.

I think there’s 2 pieces to this, habits & control.

Part One: Habits

We start off doing things for our kids because they can’t yet. Then over time we continue doing these tasks out of habit and don’t realize when it’s time to hand them over to our kids. For example, at some point in elementary school, your child is capable of unloading a dishwasher, making a sandwich, setting the table, maybe even frying an egg. You probably would prefer to continue to do some of these things yourself because you’re quicker and less messy, but is that really serving our kids’ growth?

And here’s the burn. When we don’t allow our kids to do appropriate tasks, we inadvertently take away their power. The unspoken message we’re sending is - you’re not capable. However, if we give our kids responsibilities, they feel capable and accomplished. Maybe you call it chores and pay them for doing it. Maybe it’s just considered participating in the family unit. But giving our kids something to be accountable for, beyond schoolwork, can be very empowering. During Covid, both my kids were given a lot more chores in a much more lived-in house and they have to keep doing these chores even though sports and jobs and school are now taking up a lot more of their time again. Are they happy about it? Nope…just in case anyone was under some illusion that we’re living in a Disney fairytale.

Part Two: Control

If you’ve never listened to Anne LaMott’s 15-minute Ted Talk, “12 Truths I’ve Learned About Life”, I invite you to do so immediately. I believe it’s in Truth #3 that she states, “Help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much.” As someone who used to take great pride in being very helpful, this was a kick in the gut. And it got me thinking, am I helping my kids or being controlling? And what causes that need to control? And I discovered it had a lot more to do with me than it did with them. I let my fears, worries and concerns manifest by trying to protect and control my kids, justifying it by saying I was helping or keeping them safe.

I remember attending a presentation given by the previous Redondo Beach Police Chief at a local middle school where he encouraged middle school parents to let their kids ride their bikes to school, to the beach, etc. He encouraged us to do this to allow our kids to begin taking care of themselves and start stepping into a wider world. And let me tell you, a good chunk of the audience was not having it. And I totally get it. But now that my kids are past that age, I totally see the point he was making. We need to incrementally help our baby birds fly. And if we wait too long, justifying it as helping, we’re really just holding onto control, based on our own worries and fears, and really doing our kids no service in growing into self-sufficient adults. I think overhelping is part of why we read about so many college students who can’t fend for themselves.

I would ask my younger parent-self, “Are you helping or controlling? Is the message you’re sending- you can handle it, or you can’t handle it?”

As we head into summer, maybe this is a nice time to chat with your kids and determine a few things they can take on themselves.

Mindful Parenting