Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? No? Yeah, me neither. But that’s what the college admissions process feels like to me.

My oldest is currently going through this process, so it’s my first rodeo. In preparation, I’ve attended school sponsored presentations for years, college-prep company presentations, read articles and books, followed experts on Facebook – you name it, I’ve done it. And you know what? Now that we’re really in it, here’s what I didn’t know. I didn’t know how it would feel.

I was relatively prepared for the application questions, both asked and insinuated, along the lines of - Are you smart enough? Did you work hard enough? Were your classes rigorous enough? Did you volunteer, hold down a job, participate in school activities, start a business, and demonstrate leadership? What do you want to be when you grow up?

What I wasn’t even slightly prepared for was how it would feel. The application and admissions process feels like walking onto a stage, with the lights shining bright and hot in your eyes, with all your friends and family in the audience and the judges, well, judging you. What this FEELS like is, “Are you tall enough? Are you pretty enough? Are you wealthy enough? Did you bend yourself into a pretzel?”, Or simply…. “Are you enough?”. And if you don’t feel like you’re enough, the silent messaging is- do more, jump higher, change, push, don’t sleep, don’t stop, and don’t rest. You just need to accomplish, achieve, and prove you’re enough.

And that just makes me sad. As someone whose passion is personal growth and wellness, I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to undo the messaging and stories and programming from my youth that steered me away from my authentic self and into cultural and societal acceptance. Why? Because all the acceptance in the world does not create inner peace, inner happiness, or contentment in your life. And I’ve tried to raise my children to deeply know themselves and be true to themselves. And yet. I’ve encouraged them to “do their best” in school. I now know “do your best” is a terrible and destructive comment. I’ve hired tutors when they struggled academically. I’ve threatened to take away fun things if I felt they weren’t giving school the appropriate amount of time or attention.

Ugh! Why is it so hard to get it right?

It’s so hard to balance this desire to set them up for the best opportunities and knowing, deep in my heart, that any university or another path completely can be the beginning of a bright and successful career. My father was first-generation. He had a car. His best friend did not. His friend asked for him a ride to the local college so he could register for classes. My dad sat in the lobby. The secretary asked my dad, "Why aren’t you signing up as well?”. My dad didn’t have an answer. The secretary encouraged him to register. That’s how my dad’s college career began. He went to the extreme opposite of a sweatshirt school and went on to law school at this same university and proceeded to create an extremely successful career for himself. I’m pretty sure nobody who hired him knew or cared where he went to college. But they always, always hired him due to his reputation and track record. And although things have changed, that hasn’t. Your work ethic, the way you treat people, your commitment to what you do, what we now call soft skills, will always take you further than the name on your sweatshirt. I mean, do you know what college your doctor, dentist, neighbor, or boss went to? Nope, because in the end, it doesn’t matter.

And as much as I understand why colleges need an application process to vet applicants, I’m saddened that our kids are made to feel like pageant contestants. And I guess I’m trying to figure out how as parents we assure our kids they are enough even as we navigate this process.