Are You Part of the Sandwich Generation? by Laurie James
/My phone rang just as I had finished telling my thirteen year-old daughter to get ready for her AYSO soccer game. I was startled by the voice on the other end. Why was my mom’s best friend calling me on a Saturday morning? Her soft words informed me that she’d taken my seventy-five year-old mother to the emergency room. I sat down unable to absorb all the words that had rolled off her tongue. I wasn’t prepared for my fated future.
My mom’s best friend continued, “Shortly after your mom arrived at my house, she began throwing up and she seemed very disoriented. I made her some breakfast, but that didn’t seem to help, so I then called her doctor who told me to take her to the emergency room.”
That was the moment I entered the sandwiched generation, but I wouldn’t put a label on it for many years. I was too busy trying to stay afloat. For those who don’t know, the sandwich generation is defined as people who have at least one parent still living and at least one child under the age of 21 and it consists of 44% of all people age 45-55.
When my mother first fell ill my four daughters were active teens and pre-teens. As my girls entered high school, two had health issues and had to have surgery. Another daughter struggled with anxiety, which I wrote an article about for SBFC. Throw in a crumbling marriage and I had the makings of a perfect storm.
My dad had his own health issues and was hearing impaired, so I cycled through dozens of caregivers searching for the trustworthy and compassionate care I felt my parents deserved. My mother battled multiple hospital visits and was put on hospice twice before she lost her twelve-year battle with dementia in April 2020—a few years after my youngest twin daughters left for college.
Now my dad is about to celebrate his 93rd birthday and he recently informed me he wants to live to be 101. After that conversation, it dawned on me that I might be caring for my parents longer than it took me to raise my four daughters.
My dad had never been financially astute and that angered me. He’d never once asked me in the past thirteen years about how much or little money he had in the bank, or how his care would be paid for assuming he lived that long. He’d always left the finances up to my mom, and when she fell ill I took over that role. Although he wasn’t a big spender, I often wondered why this subject wasn’t important to him since his livelihood depended on it. I chose not to ask. I knew it wouldn’t be well received and he wasn’t going to change now.
A few months after my dad updated me on his new life expectancy, I decided it was time for him to see his financial status in black and white even if he didn’t seem to care. My mom’s death triggered a decrease in income. After updating his income and expense spreadsheet, I called a family meeting. I walked my dad and two brothers through each line item so they could all see his financial status.
After I finished, I gently said, “You may not be able to stay in your house if you live to be 101. We may need to find alternative care.”
He pushed the spreadsheet onto the floor, glared out the window, and coarsely responded, “I don’t want to be put into one of those shit holes.”
My face flushed as I held back my urge to tell him that his childlike response infuriated me, while my brothers sat silent. We were all still mourning Mom’s death and I knew it wouldn’t help the conversation to react. After accessing my dad’s finances, I knew I’d need his approval to start the process of liquidating some of his assets so I could keep him afloat in his house for the next several years.
Despite my dad’s behavior, I felt lucky he still had some assets left to cover his care for the foreseeable future, but it didn’t happen by chance. My mom had made some smart investments and had saved for retirement, but that money could have easily disappeared if I hadn’t been advocating for my parents and overseeing their care. One of the many caregivers I had cycled through had emotionally seduced my dad. Months after I thought I’d resolved the issue between them, I noticed an increase in monthly cash withdrawals from the family bank account with no receipts to account for the cash. I replaced the caregiver and kept a closer eye on my parents’ expenses. Who knows if there would be any money left for my dad if I hadn’t been there to advocate for my parents.
When my mom passed, her teacher’s pension ended. My dad’s income was quickly reduced to a third of what they had brought in together. He only received a small monthly social security check and a two-hundred-dollar pension check from a company he had worked for years earlier. His income didn’t cover his monthly living expenses, let alone any outside care.
I want to honor my dad’s wishes to stay in his house as long as I can keep him there, but I also need to plan for the possibility that he may live for another decade. That’s no easy feat when the cost of care is rising in the United States. The average total out-of-pocket cost for healthcare after age sixty-five is at least $100,000 and a study from the U.S. Department of Health Services from 2016 states that the elderly that have severe long-term care needs averaged $140,000. Many Americans mistakenly assume that long-term care services and supports, which include basic personal tasks of everyday life like bathing, dressing, toileting and eating are covered under their health insurance or Medicare, but they aren’t.
As an author who wrote about the “sandwich generation”, I can tell you it isn’t easy and it will only get harder as our parents continue to live longer, but there are proactive things we can do to ease some of the financial and emotional pressure.
Here are some good starting points.
Start with honest and open communication. Sit down with your parents while they are coherent and start those hard conversations. Make sure that they have their affairs in order. Find out if your parents have an advance directive. This provides a clear understanding of their health care wishes when they are unable to voice them. A Durable Power of Attorney is a type of advance directive. Make sure all involved siblings have copies.
Long-term care insurance. If your parents are still healthy, research long-term care options in your state. There are some insurance plans that reimburse based on benefits received and others that are indemnity based. Meaning once they qualify for long-term care, they’ll receive a monthly check that they can use to pay for expenses at their discretion. Also consider buying this policy for yourself to ease the burden for your children.
Ask for support. Assign tasks to your siblings based on their strengths. Hire a caregiver part-time. See if friends, neighbors, or fellow congregation members at their place of worship can drop by occasionally, or take them to a doctor appointment as needed.
Educate yourself on community support services. Every state has an Aging Services Division dedicated to providing frail seniors with home and community-based services, so that they can continue living in their homes. Do a Google search to see what services your county provides. Many counties offer transportation services and some offer trained people who will come into the house to identify potential safety hazards and fix them the same day, like installing a safety bar in in the shower. This can improve your parents’ quality of life and minimize a potential fall in the future.
Review your parents’ expenses. Comb through your parents’ bills to determine if there are simple cost-cutting opportunities such as a less expensive cable package or fewer meals out.
Check eligibility for government services. If one of your parents is a veteran or has a disability, they may eligible to apply for Medicaid, Veterans assistance, or disability benefits.
This list may seem overwhelming, but not everything needs to be addressed at the same time. Stay proactive with your parents’ needs and tackle a little each month or week. Better yet, start with that open and honest conversation from the heart.
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By, Laurie James
Laurie James is a mother, caregiver, divorcée, turned author and transformative coach. Laurie’s book, Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go, is about her eight year journey when she was sandwiched between caring for her parents, managing caregivers, raising four daughters, and her marriage was crumbling beneath her. Laurie recently lost her mother after a 12-year battle with dementia, has successfully launched her daughters into adulthood and still continues to oversee her 92 year-old father’s care.
Laurie is a free spirit, South Bay resident and a contributor to South Bay Families Connected. When she is not looking out for her dad, talking about the sandwich generation, her book or coaching, she can be found walking her dog, skiing, sailing, hiking, spending time with friends or planning her next adventure. For more information on Laurie, please visit www.laurieejames.com.
