Driving across the state of California to Arizona to drop Linda, my 18-year-old daughter, off for her Freshman year, the landscape and future is wide-open. Once we cross into Arizona the lanes expand and we accelerate to a speed limit of 75mph. On the one hand, I’m proud of us; this is the start of a new beginning that we’ve planned, together—a college education. On the other, this is the end of childhood boundaries such as curfews, chores, and parental coaching. After we arrive, we shop in Target and I take a photo of her smiling with a plastic trophy that says, “Congratulations on Adulting”. We laugh and have fun that day taking photos of her dorm room.

As I scroll through photos now, it’s almost a year later. Like many collegians, Linda returned home from her Spring Semester and finished online due to the COVID19 virus. Although leaving her new friends and independence behind was a loss, the restrictions placed on us as a family to stay home gave us an opportunity to reflect about what we wish we had known.

1) Move-In is Exciting but Intense

Even with the improved email communication from colleges about expectations, the move-in process is daunting. Linda’s dorm was built in the 1960’s so you can imagine what the electrical is like. This required a trip to Home Depot because their cable options were more practical and less expensive. Because I travel for work, I arranged for early move-in and this was great because she was one of the first people on her floor. Although it felt empty, there were few people waiting to use carts and we had easy access to the elevator to get to her room on the seventh floor. Five trips to Target and Walmart later, her room and bed were setup- we were sweaty and exhausted. I stayed three nights and four days and had at least one good cry. I drove back to Los Angeles physically tired but feeling like she was in a good, safe place. Living on campus allowed her to walk to class so I decided not to leave the car with her and, in fact, the school discouraged freshmen from having a car.

2) Failure is an Option

Even though Linda gave me permission to view into her grades in college, I never logged in. She managed her own schedule, grades and homework in high school and graduated close to a 4.0 so her Papa and I felt like she could take the wheel at college and drive her own success. After about two-thirds of the way through the semester, I started to receive FaceTime Crying Calls, weekly and then multiple calls a week. Adjusting to school was tough emotionally and academically-- anxiety about finding new friends, plus a failing grade in Calculus sent her sideways in bed with the covers pulled over her head. I listened to the fear in her voice as she recapped events gone wrong and gently asked if she had taken advantage of office hours, time with Teaching Assistants and the other homework help options. I strongly believed she was not taking advantage of everything that the school was offering but was grateful that she was honest with me about the situation.

Although she performed well with other coursework, she received an F in Math. Because she had never failed a grade in her life, her Papa and I were shocked but knew she would learn from her mistakes. Although she had a different Calculus instructor second semester and attained B’s and C’s on coursework and exams, she missed a mid-term due to illness and ultimately received a 0. When I mention illness, she actually visited the Emergency Room three times in one week for a virus, ear infection and more. There was an opportunity to make up the Midterm; however, she failed to read the details in the Syllabus and showed up to the makeup exam too late in the day to complete the required work. Then, because of COVID19, Linda finished up her Freshman year with classes online, receiving A’s, B’s, a C and a D in Calculus. Unfortunately, the D she received in Calculus is not enough for her major—she must earn a C, which means…. she’s got to take this class for a third time!

Linda’s biggest lesson to incoming Freshmen is to treat the Syllabus like a contract between student and instructor. While in high school, teachers send home a Syllabus for students to get signed by parents and often gently remind them of the rules for making up work. But, in college, many instructors answer a variety of questions from students the same way “read the Syllabus”. Ultimately, Linda took responsibility for her poor grades. Although she had doctors’ notes from the ER visits, she misread the details about how to complete the makeup exam and she received no credit. She actually learned the material second semester but was unable to recover from the 0.

Linda’s grades and her disappointment with herself sparked great conversations. We helped her unpack what happened: she did not fail because she’s not smart, she failed because she didn’t read the contract. She failed because she did not prepare. My husband and I shared our own setbacks and learnings with failure in school and at work and we both agreed that what we learned from the experience moved us forward- we are stronger and better for it.

3) Regret Not Taking Calculus in High School

While we had productive conversations about failure, had we’d known that Linda would need Calculus for her major of Psychological Sciences she would have taken this class in high school. Even after graduation, if we’d read the curriculum for her major more closely, she could have enrolled in a community college class over the Summer prior to going to Arizona.

4) Big Kids making Adult Decisions

At the second semester we allowed Linda to drive her car back to college. Although I’d said at the beginning of the school year that she had to get the grades to earn the car, I went back on my word because I felt that she needed a vehicle to feel more a part of her new city and to help with emergencies. We paid over $500 for her to park on campus and indeed she needed to drive herself to the ER and then to doctor’s appointments. There were, however, a couple of infractions: once she let her friend drive her car and the friend got a flat tire. Another time, she drove 60-to-70 miles to pick up a friend stranded on the freeway and used her AAA for a tow. While it’s fantastic that Linda is a caring friend and could share the AAA, she broke our rules: no one should drive her car unless it’s an emergency or inebriation is a factor, and she’s supposed to get permission to drive outside of the city limits.

Unlike California, recreational use of cannabis is illegal in the state of Arizona but this does not stop collegians in many non-Green states from getting the drug. Students are aware that if they’re caught with drugs or alcohol, they could get expelled. Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened to one of Linda’s friends, second semester. After being warned, she was caught with drugs in her room and expelled. Her parents drove from the east coast to pick her up- tuition not refunded and Linda was sad to see her go.

5) Research the Health Center and City Hospital

I’d already heard negative things about the health center at my daughter’s college through a friend whose son was misdiagnosed and ended up getting so sick with the flu that he had to come home Sophomore year. So, when my daughter got virus after virus then pink-eye and was unable to attend classes, thus missing the mid-term I mentioned earlier, I sent her to the city Emergency Center. The first time she went to the ER was her first semester so she took an Uber there and, with permission, I talked to them to confirm care and prescriptions.

After she was discharged, her phone ran out of batter power so she could not use Uber. Since she did not have a car, she walked home alone with a face mask on—not knowing that the ER folks could have called her a cab, or that she could have asked to use the phone to call the dorm or even her parents. Learning that she did not speak up to ask for help was in many ways harder to hear than the illness.

One of my favorite articles from South Bay Families Connected is from Dr. Nicole Wesley, Embrace the Pause—all parents of Tweens and Teens should read this as it could save your relationships. https://www.southbayfamiliesconnected.org/blog/2017/11/13/embrace-the-pause-how-we-parents-can-reduce-stress-in-our-students-lives

For more information about college admissions, check out the tips, blogs and resources located here. https://www.southbayfamiliesconnected.org/college-admissions

Good luck with your own Linda’s and fail forward!