From Grumpiness to Gratitude: Ways to Find Connection at the End of 2020
/There’s a lot of research that shows that expressing gratitude is a healthy way to become a happier person. But after a year like this, are you really feeling grateful? So how do we go from grumpy to grateful? How do we connect with family this holiday season?
First, acknowledge the grumpiness. This has been a year like no other. There’s a lot to be grumpy about. If we stuff it down and try to express gratitude because that’s what good, successful people do, the grumpiness just leaks out the sides of us…in weird ways. We over-react to small things. I might get upset because my husband bought the wrong brand of ginger for holiday baking, but what I’m really bothered about is trying to make things festive when we’re told to stay home and avoid gathering with friends and family. Things go better when I’m able to share how I really feel.
Every December, I stick a giant Post-it on the wall in our kitchen so our family can write things they want to do during the holidays. My family is interfaith and we celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas, so there’s a lot to figure out. This year, no one’s written anything on the December Post-it yet. With all the recent shut downs, it’s hard to get excited and make plans. It feels like every day there’s another cancellation. I planned to visit my dad at his new assisted living facility, but Covid numbers went up, so that was cancelled. Disappointment, again. The feeling is becoming very familiar.
As humans we tend to want to cheer each other up, remind ourselves and each other that “It could be worse” or “Focus on the positive.” But I’ve found that when we sit with the sadness and allow our family members to do that too, the feeling passes quicker than if we’d tried to convince ourselves it could be worse. Of course it could be worse, but that’s not what I want to hear when I’m really sad. I want someone to just sit with that sadness and not make me feel worse by telling me things I should be grateful for. I’ll get to gratitude, but first I’ve got to be allowed a little grumpiness.
The Virtual Families Connected Parent Chat, provided in Partnership with Beach Cities Health District. all are welcome!
In the Families Connected Parent Chat last week, each person shared something they’re going to miss this holiday season because of the pandemic. This gave people permission to share their losses and acknowledge the disappointment people are experiencing. Sharing like this can become an opportunity for empathy and connection. No one has to judge or fix the other person’s pain. Simply share, nod in acknowledgement and move on. The pressure is off to try to cheer each other up. When people feel heard and understood, they often cheer up on their own.
Back in the spring, my 20 year old son found out his summer job as a camp counselor was cancelled because of the pandemic. He was devastated. Working at summer camp was the bright spot on his calendar as he slogged his way through online school. It was hard just to listen and be with my son in his disappointment. I wanted to get right to solutions, but I bit my tongue and sat with him in his sadness. I didn’t try to fix the situation right away. I remember thinking, “How long do I allow this sadness?” It’s hard enough when everyone's working and schooling in one house, but when one of us is super mopey, yuck! But soon enough, my son got past it. He got tired of his own sadness and was ready to sit down and problem solve his job prospects. We brainstormed. It’s one of my favorite things to do—to help people see more possibilities than they could on their own. I asked him, “What did you love as a kid? What do you still love?” His answer was “cars.” His favorite birthday parties as a kid involved Hot Wheels and auto museums.
“So what’s possible for you now that has to do with cars?” He tossed out ideas, then googled the requirements: a college degree was necessary. (He’s got a ways to go on that!) So we kept brainstorming. He looked into porter jobs at car dealerships. No one responded. But after a few days of waiting for a response, he put on his suit—leftover from the business program he dropped out of at his first college—and walked in to dealerships. Fast forward a few months and this young man is selling cars. My kid, who was miserable in college and devastated that his camp job was cancelled, has now sold multiple cars at a South Bay dealership. That goes in the Gratitude Journal!
I’m also grateful for more family movie time in 2020. One of my favorites was Jo Jo Rabbit. Before the credits roll, there’s an excerpt from a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke:“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
That reminder helps me take a deep breath and remember that things won’t always feel like they do in 2020.
So what does that have to do with us and the holidays? It’s a reminder to accept the present moment, get curious and try something new. After you’ve mourned what’s not going to happen, explore what’s possible. It’s sometimes helpful to look back to our childhood for inspiration. What did you love about the holidays as a child? Is there anything that can be recreated this year? What’s essential to your kids? As you’re making plans for how to do things differently this holiday season, ask yourself, “How do I want to feel?” Joyful? Festive? Calm? Connected?
I’ve found that when I focus on how I want to feel, instead of thinking about what I “should do”, I actually come up with more creative ideas and can say no to things that don’t get me the feelings I desire. It also helps to ask the people in my family, “What’s important to you this month?” (That’s where the December Post-it poster usually helps.) This year, we need more help. More conversations. So after asking a few times and getting “I don’t know,” for answers, my daughter finally said,
“A real tree.” It was that simple. She didn’t care what size, as long as it’s not fake.
For me, a feeling of connection and ease is what matters most. I grew up in a family where my mom made a massive formal dinner on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We had big breakfasts too. It was impressive, but stressful. She was exhausted and didn’t hide her disappointment that I wasn’t excited about a Prime Rib dinner and an itchy taffeta dress. So our Christmas meals are a lot more simple. (One includes Grimaldi’s pizza.) As a grandma, my mom was more relaxed. She was a generous gift giver and I’m sad that she’s no longer here to watch my kids open her gifts. She died of cancer in 2019, so this will be the second Christmas without her. Last week, I pulled out old letters my kids wrote to Santa. My daughter had written, “Santa, I hope you like the budr bols.” So after Zoom school that day, she and I made “butter balls,” a cookie we haven’t made since she was little. My daughter reminisced about how grandma and grandpa used to drive them down F Street where all the houses were decorated in my hometown. They’d listen to Taylor Swift holiday songs and the Mamma Mia soundtrack. And then my daughter said, “Hey Siri, play Mamma Mia.” Sharing those memories brought a lot of gratitude. Singing along to the soundtrack helped our moods too.
This will be the first Christmas where I won’t see my dad in person. No visitors are currently allowed at his new assisted living facility. I can’t take him out of his new home or else he’d have to quarantine alone for 2 weeks afterwards. Strange days. So what will we do? We haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m sure it will involve Zoom. As so much of 2020 has been lived on Zoom, we’ve grown weary of it, but I am grateful for how much connection it’s brought.
So to make the most of the Zoom experience, I’ve compiled a few ideas. Priya Parker, in her book The Art of Gathering, shares how to make our gatherings more meaningful. One of the ways is to give the event a theme and a name. Instead of just telling my extended family we should Zoom on Christmas, I can invite them to “Presents and Pajamas” where we ask everyone to stay in pajamas while they open one gift in front of everyone on the Zoom. Or it could be “Masks, Menorahs & Memories” on the last night of Hanukkah. Everyone can show up wearing their best or worst mask and share a memory before lighting the menorahs together. Having a simple dress code: wear your favorite hat, or hoodie, or dressiest top can give a feeling that your gathering is different from other Zoom sessions.
The point is, give the gathering a sense of purpose. Sure, some may scoff at the cheesy ideas, but at least the family knows what to expect. Having a set time limit helps too. On her New York Times podcast, “Together Apart,” Priya Parker suggested assigning jobs to different people on the Zoom. This way, people feel more involved. For example, a quiet teenager could be the Mute Master, controlling the button so one person can be heard at a time. Another person can be the Time Keeper and a small child could be a featured performer, sharing a skill. Another idea is to use Breakout Rooms. If the teenagers log on from different computers than the parents, they can gather with their cousins in a breakout room. It’s like a virtual “kids’ table.” To keep things active, maybe we’ll take inspiration from a favorite TV show my family watched this year. The Great British Baking Show may inspire a cookie bake off. We can bake while the Zoom camera is on and keep it casual, or send an email with the rules and gather to share the final results.
Here are some more ideas. Have a young family member who’s learned to read, share a poem or have a grandparent read a short story to the family. It will give them something to anticipate ahead of time. Have a Zoom Background Challenge. Enlist the teens to change their family’s background ahead of time, then assign the oldest family members to give awards - Funniest? Most beautiful? Most festive? Most exotic location?
Decide ahead of time why you’re really gathering. “Because we’re family and we should see family” might not be enough reason to make it meaningful. I know I’ve been on some dreadful Zoom gatherings where family is talking over one another and no one has anything interesting to say. Priya Parker suggests having a question planned in advance.
Here are some ideas:
Where did you find your favorite mask?
What was the worst show you watched in 2020?
What was your favorite song of this year? Best book?
What was your favorite 2020 meme?
Did you learn anything new about yourself?
Did you take up a new hobby or learn a new skill?
What did you miss most in 2020?
If your family enjoys competition, play a game. Share the most awkward holiday photo you’ve taken or received. Share a favorite ornament. Take turns lighting candles.
Here’s the most important thing - decide what matters to you and the people you love. Don’t assume. Ask. This has been a tough year, but it’s also been an opportunity to re-imagine the ways we connect with one another. Maybe some traditions don’t need to be repeated, and for that we can be grateful. And if all you can muster by the end of this year is a grumpy family Zoom, then let that be enough. Raise a glass and have a laugh. We’ve made it through 2020!
